MASTER OBSIDIAN’S KEYNOTE Beyond Leather IV 2011

As we have just celebrated our nations 236th birthday earlier this month. I've found myself reflecting on notions of personal responsibility and freedom with more frequency than usual. I was on my way to looking up something else and I came across this keynote address that I gave at the Beyond Leather Conference in 2011. As I read it  the thought again occurred to me how meaningful and wonderful the Declaration of Independance is - and on a personal level how vital it is to our personal mental and spiritual health that each one of us find our way to our own Declarations of Independance.

What day do you celebrate as your Independance Day, RM? 


If not now, then when?


MASTER OBSIDIAN’S KEYNOTE

Keynote Address to the Beyond Leather IV Conference - 2011
(Copyright © 2011 by Master Obsidian. All rights reserved. may not be utilized without express written permission from the author)

My country, 'tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty,
Of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside
Let freedom ring!


Everyone of us knows this song - depending where you are from in the US you no doubt had to sing it at some point back in the day when they used to make us sing en masse, in grade school.....which was probably an introduction of sorts for many of us into the murky waters of Power Exchange relationships. Because they didnt ask you if you wanted to sing...you just had to do it, right? Fewer still know the story that is behind the writing of these words.

Samuel Francis Smith wrote the lyrics to "My Country, 'Tis of Thee" in 1831, while a student at the Andover Theological Seminary in Andover, Massachusetts. His friend asked him to translate the lyrics in some German school songbooks or to write new lyrics.Instead of translating the lyrics from German, Smith wrote his own American patriotic hymn to the melody, completing the lyrics in thirty minutes.

Thirty minutes that have changed the world.

This verse is also at the close of Dr. King’s amazing “I have a dream” speech - his dramatic address at our nations capital - much less than thirty minutes.. his address was only a few minutes long. Again, time enough to change the world.

Whether we know it or not, we are engaged in the fight of our lives - many of us dont know who to listen to, who to pay attention to in a world where everything is so important and urgent and nothing really matters - its easy to become confused. In a world where any number of talking heads can tell you on a daily basis who you are, what you want to do, where you should be going and what to do when you get there.

Sometimes its just easier to go with the flow. Easier that way - less frightening. Less scary. Less fear involved. Eat this, dont eat that.Trust this...dont trust them over there. No more sushi, its radioactive. etc

But many of you are not called to go with the flow, you arent go with the flow type people. You are walking a different path and if the road less traveled by is where you are living your life - I say keep on keeping on. I want to encourage you to keep on doing what you are doing. I see you - the world sees you and whether or not anyone likes it. Do what you do. The world needs more people like you. Fearless Motherfuckers!. Bad Asses to the last!!!!

You do your thang - keep being an inspiration.
This message this evening is not for those people. Im talking to the people sitting next to the badasses. They are sitting there hoping that I wont call them out or identify them, but they are there. Who are these people who are fearful - who are afraid? Im not talking to you - fearless ones, Im talking to the people sitting next to you. Or the people sitting in front of you - you can only see the back of their heads, or their shiny leather covers. Those folks. Or maybe theres a couple of em behind you - dont look directly at them, dont make eye contact..we will talk later....

They are in here somewhere - of course you cant readily identify em, but they are all over trust me.

Maybe some of the fearful folks might even up here on the stage talking to you this evening.

Why? Because we’ve all been afraid at one time or another. Apparently theres good reasons out there to be afraid, yes?

In the 1970’s we are all going to run out of energy resources
In the 1980’s they said “acid rain” was going to destroy the planet
And in the 1990’s the “millenium bug” was what we were afraid of. Many people thought that when the clock changed, the world was going to blow up.
And now, in the 2000’s “global warming” is to be feared, depending on who you listend to - this is now a constant pervasive threat to every man, woman and child on the planet.

And underneath all of those global issues - loomed the ugly spectre of AIDS, under all four of those decades.
 
Where we lost a bunch of folks and we buried a lot of our friends and our loved ones.

And somewhere along the line.....in our community we learned how to be afraid.

Waves of fear have cascaded through our culture and society with pretty regular frequency - an invisible tsunami of soul corrupting acid that for all its pervasiveness is no less damaging to us than the very real tsunami that hit the coastline of Japan on the 11th.

Debilitating, crippling, joy stealing, soul dampening fear.

Some social psychologists have theorized that all human behavior is motivated by the fear of something....fundamentally mortality.

We are afraid of the darkness at the end of the tunnel, the path that ends in the clearing. The cessation of breath - the thought of ‘not being’ here anymore.

The terror of absolute annihilation creates such a profound—albeit subconscious—anxiety in us, that we literally spend our lives attempting to make sense of it. On large scale this attempt is made through the building of society, religious systems, cultures and belief systems to explain the significance of life in general. On an individual level, how well someone adheres to a cultural worldview is the same concept as self-esteem; people start to measure their own worth based on how well they live up to their culture's expectations.

Im not here to argue with you tonight about whether or not you should believe in the Divine, a Creator of some kind or an Eternal, Universal Consciousness. That is after all for you to decide.

What I am here to do is discuss what is holding you back from being as happy as you can possibly be in the remaining years, or for ome of us moments of our lives. We'd like years, maybe hundreds or thousands of them - and that would be my wish for each of you here today. But the reality of our rather fragile existences here is always a part of any gathering, according to the social psychologists. Life is somewhat fragile, yes? Because I know this for a certainty - there were people here with us at our grand kinky reunion last year, who are not among us this year.

And next year it will be the same, regardless of what you believe or dont believe.

Some of us aint going to be here next time. Big Death.

But because of our fears....some of us suffer because of our fear, little deaths all the time. Because of...
our fear of straight people
of rednecks
of black people
of republicans
of being rejected
of being unloved
of not having enough
of having too much
of being successful
of being a failure
of losing our jobs
of losing our homes
of not having retirement
of going out of business

little deaths.

fear of coming out
of loving again
of being vulnerable

of being civil
being persecuted because we are _____________ (you fill in the blank with your choice)

Im the Southwest Regional Representative for MAsT in addition to being the organizer and founder of our local MAsT chapter in Austin. During our last discussion someone brought up the topic of steath M/s: doing what it is that we do for and with each other that we can use to affirm our relationship in ways that cannot be seen by people out right.

The person that suggested it - I listened to them and I believe their hearts are in a good place - identifying those little secret ways we can affirm our relationship. But it started me to thinking about our obsession with staying below the radar, trying not to offend the 'non-kinky' folks, trying to look and sound like the same as everyone else.

When I thought about it though....I thought that maybe we spend a little too much time trying to be ‘stealth’...flying below the radar.

Trying to be non-offensive..
Looking familiar. Being like everyone else.

Going with the flow, not bucking the tide or the trend. Being safe.

Sort of like; not wearing your collar in public.
Or introducing your partner - who is the love of your life as your 'friend'
Or telling people when asked that you're going to a 'something' in Florida - fill in the blank. Some of you know you didnt say "Beyond Leather".

Sound familiar?

Dont wanna offend the vanillas or whomever we are calling them today.

No, not you - someone else prolly.

So what. What are we going to do about it?

Well, this is what I believe.

First of all - let me say this - no matter what ANYONE says -

YOU. ARE. NOT. OFFENSIVE.

YOU ARE NOT OFFENSIVE.

PERIOD.

There is a reason why I opened our little discussion here with the words from that song that everyone knows. If you look into the writings and the philosophies of those 'founding fathers' of our nation - there are some themes there that I believe are critically important for our community. - and particularly relevant for these little deaths that we suffer. (not you bad asses - the other people next to you that are living in fear of one sort or another.)

What you will find if you do the research is a central theme of Freedom and of Liberty. The notion that in this country in particular -you have the right to pursue a course of action for your own existence that has meaning, that makes you happy and that will serve as a shield to hold up against the rising tide of fear that seeks to overtake you on a daily basis.

Why do I believe this?

Because I believe that our country was founded on this idea - that you live in a universe that is fundamentally meaningful and that your place in it is the place of someone that is valuable, that is precious - that is essential.

You are essential.
You are supposed to be here.
You have a RIGHT to be here.

This is important

Why is this important?

Because our self-esteem is a social construct. That is socially constructed and maintained - we receive validation from each other in any number of ways, some of them very small - its also the reason why civility is important in terms of how we deal with each other. The person that lashes out at or invalidates someone else in our community hurts two people - themselves and the other upon which their ire is focused. Because they take away that validation.

And as a result make it that much more difficult to maintain a positive self image within this culture.

So what am I asking you to do?

Run out and become a social/sexual advocate and or activist? Hardly.
Give monies to the NCSF, Woodhull Foundation and others - yes that's important I would imagine, but also makes responsibility for the maintenance and upkeep and defense of our collective family someone elses responsibility in a way. But definitely useful and helpful and necessary. When you are up against it - you need someone in your corner that really knows what the fuck they are talking about, yes? You want someone to stand with you and for you. And know what they are talking about. That's why they are there - so support them, but that's not fundamentally what this is about.

Forget about the macro - what about the micro? Should you start a support group? Hold a bake sale? Form some kind of small group?

Or sacrifice your job to the cause by running into your office on Monday and screaming out "Im kinky as fuck and Im not gonna take it anymore?"

no, Im not asking you to do any of that.

I believe that the biggest change isnt external where people can see what you are doing. But internal, where you live everyday of your life.

See Im asking you to believe something. To believe that this is fundamentally about YOU, badass.

Because when we believe different - we do different, we act different. We exist on a different, higher plane vibrationally speaking and we have a greater impact on everything that we touch and experience.

What am I asking you to believe differently?

That when our founding fathers wrote this - they are talking directly about you and to you.

This is something that many of us have forgotten - or been brainwashed into thinking that when they wrote these sentences they are really talking about all the rest of THEM and not about YOU.

And that is what keeps us in fear.....that notion that we arent truly a part of things that short circuits a LOT of the happiness that we could be enjoying.

The sentence that Im talking about is this one.....

...“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

You are not offensive.
You are fucking beautiful.

What this sentence points to is the fact that your right to be here and to be AS YOU ARE are not given to you by the Government the State or any other third party - they are endowed by the Creator and that they are both self evident AND unalienable - self evident means that you CAME here with these rights. And unalienable means that nobody can take them away from you.
Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
We have to stop seeing ourselves as the outsider, as the disenfranchised, as the un wanted throwaways.

We have to Believe differently.
We have to not be afraid.
We have to Stand up for who we are, and for what we are.

So I say,
Let Freedom Ring.
Let Freedom Ring - this weekend wherever you are.
Let Freedom Ring - in the dungeon.
Let Freedom Ring - in the hospitality suite.
Let Freedom Ring certainly around every part of this hotel this weekend and perhaps even more importantly take this back with you to wherever you came from and Let Freedom Ring there as well.

Let Freedom Ring - as you pursue your personal happiness in the ways and the forms that are meaningful to you.

Let Freedom Ring so you dont spend any more time afraid, on the fringes of society fearful of being yourself, trying to fly below the radar and not offending those that are so very easily offended.

I say fuck that.

You be YOU and do what you came here to do.

Let Freedom Ring.
Thank you.

More Thoughts on the Dialectic of Personal Responsibility

The desire to be thought well of is a very real driver of human behavior in my opinion. We want other people to think well of us, to believe that when we say ‘excuse me’ after stepping on someone’s foot that we are genuine in so doing, that our contrition is heartfelt and that we meant no ill intent. However, if you havent moved at all and someone accuses you of stepping violently and repeatedly on their foot, is an apology warranted? Most of the time, I have an almost immediate 'yes!' that pops up in my head. Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me. Im sorry - I didnt mean to hurt your feelings, etc.. My slave wrote a piece describing a situation in which something very similar to this actually occurred. We were speaking our truth - holding opinions and in this case using particular words like masculine and feminine for example to describe how I approach my relationship and how my slave and I interact with each other - and then we observed that someone was literally trembling with rage at their perception of the usage of those terms, they related to us that they felt sick to their stomach over our willful and malevolent usage of and obvious support of the established gender binary in their presence.

That they felt oppressed by the very words we were using.

There have been some that have read my slave’s essay on the Dialectic of Personal Responsibility and have opined that words have been used to harm and to hurt for millenia and our recent shared past is no exception. They have intimated that perhaps it is we who lack understanding, and that by continuing to use any word that offends, we somehow are giving an approving nod to all offensive speech, everywhere without regard to the genesis of said speech and the intent with which said words are used. And in using this guilt by association argument – there persists a lot of hand wringing and finger wagging and ironically hurling of precisely the sort of negativity that the writer is allegedly railing against (go figure) of the ‘you are just trying to justify your wanting to be comfortable In your boorishness’ sort. There seems to be an intentional disregard of what is actually said in order to pursue a line of reasoning that assumes that we advocate going through life like the proverbial bull in the china shop without regard for anyone’s feelings - additionally this line of reasoning seems to also read into the piece that my slave is saying that if the ubiquitous ‘they’ don’t like it, why then they can just build a bridge and get over themselves.

That’s not what was said. At all.

If in fact she was being an advocate for hate speech, the casual hurling about of invective or perjorative statements, then all the sturm und drang would be warranted. But she is not, and has not. So seriously - enough with the pulpit thumping please.

The beauty of having a dialectic - a discussion about a particular subject in which both sides present their thoughts in a well reasoned manner, is that it can be very interesting and satisfying to compare and contrast different ways of thinking about a subject – any subject. However, I find that satisfaction is very slow in coming – in fact its neatly short circuited when the first criteria for participation in the dialectic is negated by ignorance. If one cant be bothered to read for comprehension so that one understands more than the basics of the discussion at hand....why then we must ever fail to arrive at that place of comparing and contrasting our thoughts, yes?

One comment;  “I've survived rape, but I'm not going to tell someone to not have rape play because it may trigger memories. I have triggers based on combat experiences, but I'm not going to demand people adjust for me. I'm going to ranger up and deal with it in my way or leave the area. I choose to be stronger than those things that have a chance of screwing up my chance to enjoy life. Otherwise, I'd be an angry, paranoid mass who fails to accept responsibility for my issues, attempts to blame everyone else, and expects people to control my emotions.”

Bravo. I think I understand where they are coming from. Basically, its not everyone elses responsibility to avoid my triggers. If they appear to be making choices that I wouldn’t make for myself in a similar situation, Im not going to make that an issue for both of us. Im responsible for my own feelings.

Another commentary; “It becomes your responsibility when you decide not to be a shitty person. Triggers are symptoms of disabilities. Accommodating them is like accommodating any other disability-- by not parking in handicapped parking spots, by ensuring that public buildings have wheelchair ramps. No, you don't have to care about people who are different than you, but you're a huge asshole if you don't.”

Um….what?

The 'you are just trying to make excuses for your own bad behaviour' camp fails the test of 'well reasoning' because they apparently dont understand what is being discussed in the first place. What is on the table is not a strident declaration to say what I want when I want it, regardless of the impact on other people. What is being discussed is that despite all apparent evidence to the contrary some people still feel like everyone else is responsible for how THEY feel and should adjust their behaviour accordingly to avoid hurting THEIR feelings.

Despite this - I really do believe that people are entitled to be offended by whatever they want. If however Im talking about myself in particular, their offense does not imbue them with special rights that include the expectation that anyone else stop speaking their truth because the very utterance of that truth offends them. 

Which is the primary point of my slave's writing.

We should be free to talk about ourselves however we wish. To use descriptive terms that may resonate for us with the understanding that they might not resonate for anyone else. That’s okay. But why stop there? Isnt the ability to discuss things with civility, without invective OR perjorative statements part of a satisfying social discourse? If we arent attempting to hurt, wound or otherwise be an ass in someone elses direction it shouldn’t matter if we are talking about ourselves or something/one else. If we find civil dialogue threatening or offensive, methinks some of us have our 'moral outrage' filters set too high. 

On Submission and Slavery

What interests me about this discussion concerning slaves and submission is the beauty of what isn't always obvious. Simply put - there is something beautiful to me about slaves that indicate their level of personal responsibility by not only choosing a particular lifestyle path, but being able to articulate their rationale in doing so.  When my slave writes concerning our dynamic;

"We would never have gotten to this point if it wasn't in me to DESIRE and CRAVE this very type of dynamic. In other words yes something in me desires for and longs for the type of dynamic in which i submit AND surrender to the person i'm with."  

That is a thing of beauty - And I've seen other slaves indicate their desire for their relationship style of choice in similar fashion.  I believe the allure of this approach is its insistence on the positive, namely;

This is what I want - I want a relationship in which I both submit and surrender to the will of another.

Conversely, devotees of the 'slaves aren't submissive' camp typically aren't articulating what I'd consider a positive desire e.g. 'THIS' (whatever it is) is what I desire, what I want.  Many times what I read in their responses is precisely what they do NOT want - I don't want to be a whimpering puppy, a doormat, someone who isn't respected, someone that is perceived to not have any strength etc. etc. And in truth, I do not disagree with the majority of those points - after all, it would be a rare person indeed that DID in fact want to carry the burden of those negative characteristics as part of what they bring to the power exchange relationship dynamic. It is difficult to express a positive sentiment highlighting the negative.  Additionally,  I believe that these slaves do themselves and their potential owners a disservice by even the implication that NOT being submissive is an acceptable or a necessary component of ones slavery. 

Why do I say this?  We often say that words are 'containers' for meaning.  The word slave carries with it an expectation, definitionally speaking that the person so referred to would be in a state of surrender, en-slaved as it were to someone or something outside themselves.  The word slave has a definition meaning to either be held in servitude as the chattel of another or to be completely subservient to a dominating influence.  It is difficult to see where we can insert the words 'not submissive' into this definition and still emerge with the preexisting definition of slave intact.

This isn't a one-size-fits-all scenario however - In the event that a person isn't submissive or makes the choice to not desire, want or need to express themselves in a submissive or surrendered fashion, then within the context of the definition of slavery it is at that point that they really cease to be a slave, or to be more specific, 'en-slaved' by another.

Perhaps they have been misunderstood - that could be a possibility, albeit a remote one.  Our community does not lack for slaves that have articulated very well the fact that they are not submissive to everyone around them - their submission is held by and is focused toward one person, namely the person that owns them.  I get that - and bravo to those slaves - in much the same way that my owning namaste doesn't in itself make me Master of All I Survey, it stands to reason that someone who identifies as a slave isn't 'community property' as it were (unless of course being community property is their desire!)

My conclusion then is that slaves that routinely say they are not submissive are;  

1. 'between masters'  
2. misinformed about the very nature of slavery 
3. making excuses to justify bad behavior or 
4. all of the above. 

Like the loud, abrasive aunt at the family reunion, their constant refrain about how they don't get along with anyone because of their insistence that 'people take them as they are' initially sounds like a clarion call for authenticity.  However, that song gets old after a while and people start quietly leaving the room, recognizing that with most arguments of this type - if 'everyone' is misunderstanding you and 'nobody' gets it  - its very probable that the person speaking is the one with the problem. 

13 Folds

"On behalf of the President of the United States and the Chief of Naval Operations, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s service to this Country and a grateful Navy." "God bless you and this family, and God bless the United States of America."   

And with those words, the young Naval officer solemnly placed the folded  casket flag into my arms.  My heart broke with the emotion of the moment as I clutched the flag to my heart and the tears poured down my face - he slowly saluted, nodded to me and he and the other honor guard solemnly and slowly exited the tent erected over the gravesite of my father.  This was July 5th -  the day after Independence Day when my Dad was laid to rest in the same cemetary where my Mom was buried 13 years earlier.

Selective blindness... sometimes we can look right at a thing for so long it doesn’t register on our consciousness.  For years I've seen the familiar tricorner shape of american flags in ceremonial display boxes, the deep blue of the flag contrasted with the crisp white stars.  I've seen them here and there all my life, in offices, on shelves, in display cabinets and in the office backgrounds of various people being interviewed on television.  I remember thinking something trite like 'how cool is that' or idly wondering how someone  came to possess such a thing. I've also heard of ceremonial flags that are flown briefly above a state or national capitol building that are given or awarded as keepsakes.  Beyond a cursory glance I never gave the provenance of these folded flags much thought.  Until now.

I see those flags now and I know the difference.  Now I know that the flag that Im seeing most often is a ceremonial flag, due to the small triangle.  The ceremonial flag measures 3'x5'.  A military casket flag measures by comparison 9.5'x5' and when it is folded properly, lengthwise and then folded again, it can be folded in the triangle pattern exactly 13 times.  Typically it is taken from the casket and folded by an honor guard at the gravesite and then presented to the next of kin with all the gravity and solemnity of that ceremony - it is a wonderful, majestic thing to see the honor, love and care that goes into the ceremony.  At the same time I wish that nobody ever had to experience this ceremony and receive this flag. 

I am seriously proud of my Dad, that he served with honor in the Navy.  And as I reflect on the events that marked his passing, I also feel that we've added to our family.  We are part of a different, larger family now, a family filled with thousands and thousands of people - faces that I do not know and probably never will. Yet we are family nonetheless, as we are bound together in a sense by our shared experience - that our kin now is laid to rest and we have this folded flag as a symbol of their service and also to mark their passing.

I will never look at a US flag so folded in the same way again.   

Rest well, Pops.  I love you.

Mastery and Sleep II

There are a dizzying array of caffeinated, multi colored energy drinks, supplements, juices and pills on the market today as we all know (and have consumed from time to time)  I don’t want to go down the path about the effects of caffeine or stimulants on the brain or any pseudo scientific analysis of what and how these things do what they do.  That’s really not the point. 

What I asked myself – and what I’d like you, gentle RM to ask yourself, ... is a simple question.

Why are they here?

Economics 101 teaches us about market forces – the forces of supply and demand and how they operate in the marketplace.  When we examine a concept like ‘demand’ – which is literally a want, backed by the ability to pay for it, and its counterpart ‘supply’ which is the willingness to provide something in exchange for payment….the simple answer is that energy drinks and supplements abound because we as a society want them and continue to pay a premium for them, so it makes sense that manufacturers continue to make a profit by meeting those needs. 

Go a little deeper RM. 

But, why are they here? Really?  - depending on who you ask in the academic community they might point out the factoid that we have as a nation cut about 90 minutes off our collective average sleeping time per night. And we continue to work on that - spending less and less time asleep on the whole each year.  There are other reasons to be sure – but to me, this stands out as prima facie evidence of why the marketplace continues to offer so many choices of substances that are basically designed to keep us awake and alert. Its simple really, RM.

People who aren't tired don’t need energy drinks to stay awake.  They aren't necessary.

Could our lack of proper amounts of rest be the silent culprit behind….

• The disturbing frequency with which a lack of civility and manners crops up in our subculture?
• The fact that a lot of us in the scene are overweight?
• The preponderance of addictive prone personalities in our subculture?
• Other collectively negative and/or individually harmful social phenomena?

You might say that I'm reaching RM, dragging in a load of cultural phenomena under this broad, very convenient umbrella of the cumulative effects of sleeplessness. ….and might be correct, perhaps I am stretching things metaphorically, a little.  Maybe.

Consider this however - if you read down the list I gave you yesterday concerning the scientifically verifiable and cumulative effects of chronic sleep deprivation, perhaps you might not think of this as quite so much of a stretch at all.  But enough theorizing for one day.  Lets move on to what I promised you on yesterday which was an exploration of what remedies we might be able to avail ourselves of in response to this dread situation that many of us find ourselves facing.

One more observation – I do NOT advocate treatment of the unfortunate side effects of sleep deprivation as cure. In other words –  ingesting something that helps you stay awake during the day is NOT synonymous with eliminating your sleep deprivation. I dont consider energy drinks/coffee/caffeinated drinks and supplements as being evil and disgusting, far from it. I often enjoy a hot cup of freshly ground dark roast right out of a french press with heavy cream. And some of the energy drinks that I've tasted are quite tasty and also effective as well. Occasionally they are necessary and helpful – just be aware of the fact that if we don’t address our fundamental need for sleep, that toll still continues to collect interest and eventually our bodies will pay the price.

So here are some helps, RM – pick and choose as you will and also add some if you know of any that will be of benefit to other readers;

• Write it down.  Are you the kind of person that keeps a laundry list of shyt that needs to be taken care of or things that are troubling you that you need to work on in your head all the time?  Us high-control types tend to notice a lot of things – the unfortunate side effect is that our brain tries to help us not forget the most important ones by staying awake to think about them.  Write them down.  The list will be there tomorrow and you can rest in the meantime.

• Don’t use your bed for anything but fucking or sleeping.  Period.  No reading, watching TV or eating cookies.  Its too easy to make associations in your brain that arent compatible with sleeping.

• Exercise is excellent – but not within 3 hours or so of bedtime.  Your body produces hormones in response to exercise that are in line with staying up…not sleeping.

• Create a nightly ritual for preparation for bedtime – going to bed at the same time, even doing repetitive things like changing clothing, going to take a shower or brush your teeth..establishing patterns that your racing mind will associate with 'sleep time' will yield benefits as you will start to calm yourself in anticipation of sleeping, which will make it easier to fall asleep when you get in bed.

• Protect your need to sleep – if you don’t make sleep a priority, then there will never be enough time for sleep.  That means you must make time in your schedule for sleep, RM. Time is linear and most of us have a time when we must be up and about – so we must therefore go to bed earlier.

• 5HTP - 5 HTP is an over the counter nutritional supplement.  Chemically, its the metabolic precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin. Tryptophane, an essential amino acid, is metabolized into 5-HTP by the body. 5 HTP is in turn, converted into the neurotransmitter Serotonin. Serotonin is responsible for mood, hunger and sleep. When I've used 5HTP I've found that I sleep deeper and when I wake up Im generally more optimistic and upbeat as well. Its not expensive and it works for me. Try some. 

• Avoid caffeine, alcohol and cigarettes several hours prior to bedtime. Stimulants are the enemy of sleep – if you’re amped up on caffeine, its going to be tougher to get good, restful sleep.

• Is your bedroom conducive to good sleeping? Get rid of clutter, pay attention to your mattress, pillows, bed linens.  Everything that touches your body should be of the highest quality that you can personally afford.  If it feels good on your skin you’ll feel better and be more relaxed as a result and more likely to enjoy your sleep experience.

• Do you snore excessively? Often wake up feeling groggy and not well rested? Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night gasping or with a sensation of choking? Do you feel better when you fall asleep in a sitting position, e.g. in a chair or recliner..but not a bed? You may be suffering from sleep apnea. Sleep apnea  is a sleep disorder characterised by abnormal pauses in breathing or instances of abnormally low breathing, during sleep. Each pause in breathing, called an apnea, can last from a few seconds to minutes, and may occur 5 to 30 times or more an hour.  If you suspect this is happening to you, you need to see a sleep doctor. The Dr may recommend a sleep study, which is where they monitor your sleep for a night to see how often you are experiencing apnea. There are a number of methods to offer relief from apnea and your doctor will work with you to find the treatment that best works for you. If you have sleep apnea, dont procrastinate - see a doctor as soon as you can. Apnea can be life threatening if untreated.

• Temperature is important – your bedroom should be cool, dark and quiet.

• Do you have problems getting back to sleep after you get up and go to the bathroom?  The culprit might be the light bulb…..If you DO have to get up in the middle of the night, keep the lights off.  In general you should endeavor to keep your room as dark as possible.  Research indicates that exposure to moderate or bright lights that interrupt our sleep cycle can disrupt our circadian rhythms and fool our brains into believing that its daytime, leading to wakefulness.

• Give yourself a specific bedtime – this may take a while…you’ve been not sleeping good for a while now..turning this thing around and developing good sleep habits may take some time to do, so dont beat yourself up about it if it doesnt happen immediately. It may take some work...and some time, to get better.

• No heavy meals before bedtime – a light snack of something that contains tryptophan like apple pie and ice cream, whole-grain cereal with milk, hazelnuts and tofu , oatmeal and raisin cookies, and a glass of milk, peanut butter sandwich, ground sesame seeds.. note that it takes around one hour for the tryptophan in whatever foods you eat to actually reach the brain, so don't wait until right before bedtime to have your snack.  

• What if you still cant sleep – don’t beat yourself up about it.  Studies have shown that you still are getting 70-80% of the benefits of sleep by relaxing quietly with your eyes closed.

Remedies and adjustments like these abound – just do a search on ‘sleep’ and you’ll soon have more recommendations than you can digest in hours and hours of reading.  Which will work for you?  You may have to experiment - each of us are different and respond to different things.   

For most of us, the most important thing we can do to start getting more/better sleep; 

Recognize that we need more sleep and apply our intention to achieving that goal.

For some of us, that means doing the research online to find specific remedies that are workable for us, like the short list of recommendations above.  For others – we really just need to commit our time and attention to doing things differently. We know better RM…and we have known better for some time.   

But just KNOWING differently means little if we don’t also DO differently. 

At the end of the day RM – each of us is King or Queen in our respective castles and as such, we are free to do as we like.  It is my belief that you, like myself are all about the business of constantly moving toward the best this life has to offer in all fields of practical endeavor and contemplation and the command and enjoyment of exquisite servitude.  Proper governance of your specific kingdom demands a lot of that person who would sit on the throne - and we need to be at 100%, RM. Seriously. 

The final stanza of the Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem, 'The Sleep' - that I began Mastery and Sleep with a few days ago refers to the end of life – there are no tears at the end over one that has squeezed every drop of joy out of a life well lived.  None of us like to think about that time when we shall close our eyes on this plane of existence for the last time, but that day comes for all of us, and for some sooner than later.  Don’t let those in your Kingdom grieve over you because you’ve left the throne unoccupied early….through inattention or outright ignorance. 

Let them rejoice instead over a life well lived – an intentional life lived on your terms, with a fierce joy.  Hopefully that day is far, far away for all of us – therefore gentle RM – Let us do what we can do RIGHT NOW – to increase our enjoyment of the life that we have.  What could be simpler than putting the hammer away, shutting off the computer, the television, closing the book…and getting more of the rest, the sleep that you need?   

Start tonight RM – please let me know how you are doing.  Hit me on Fetlife as MasterObsidian or via email – House.of.obsidian@gmail.com

Sleep well, RM.

Mastery and Sleep

What would we give to our beloved?
The hero’s heart to be unmoved,
The poet’s star-tun’d harp to sweep,
The patriot’s voice to teach and rouse,
The monarch’s crown to light the brows?
He giveth His beloved, sleep.
                                                             - Browning

 


Can't Sleep, Clown will Eat Me.

I’ve been thinking of late RM about the function and the necessity of sleep. Im reminded that it wasn’t that long ago, during the Q&A portion of the International Master/slave competition that I was asked about the area of my biggest struggle and I had to make a choice at that moment. The answer that came immediately to mind wasn’t directly applicable to the Master/slave lifestyle, but it does potentially have an effect on that and every other facet of our lives together as Master and slave. That answer , RM was that I have an issue with sleeping. Not that I suffer from any sort of chronic insomnia or a genetic predisposition to not sleeping….I just don’t like to sleep.

If given a choice between going to bed or staying up reading or writing or researching, I will almost always desire the option that involves staying up a little later, finishing this chapter, this movie, this article, this…whatever. You get the point – I’d rather do anything than go to bed.
There are a number of different reasons that have been primary at one time or another during my lifetime. At times I’ve felt that I’d be missing something if I went to sleep, therefore I’d stay up and do the much more interesting thing whatever that is, instead of wasting valuable time abed. At other times I’ve been working on various projects or been under some sort of deadline that would require in my mind extended periods of time where I felt I needed to go without sleep to accomplish some goal I’d set for myself.

Note,  RM that even as I write this I recognize that my impressions of what was ‘necessary’ with regard to my own sleep deprivation may not have been realistic, but it certainly felt so at the time.  And since we are ruminating, let me also add that there seems to be a thought in the back of my mind that sleep is for wussies.  A strong, capable person (like myself, I thought) has the ability to tap into hidden reserves of strength not immediately apparent to the average person and thereby exist on about half the amount of sleep that most people need to function.  I told myself (and others) some version of that macho bullshit for years, as I routinely allowed myself roughly 4 hours a night of sleep on average, many times going without sleep entirely, getting what I called my ‘second wind’ around 4 a.m. at which time I’d start to feel more awake as dawn approached.  I’d crash the following afternoon of course and take a nap during lunch and somehow make it through the doldrums of the afternoon in a quasi awake state. The stark reality is that there is no such thing as a superpower of not needing sleep. I was burning the candle at both ends.  Sure, I developed elaborate coping strategies, but on some level I knew that this wasn’t good for me and I’d also be cognizant of the need to make some sort of change…but I’d do it again and again anyway.

The Beauty of the Night 
For me, the middle of the night is a beautiful place to be. Its quiet, dark – the people that you love are safe and tucked away sleeping, there are no interruptions, no phone ringing, no worrying about finishing up things here before you have to be there by X time – none of those irritating phenomena that we accept as part and parcel of the daylight world. For about 6 or so hours each night after what is commonly considered ‘late night’ activity; the susurrus of murmured conversations over the issues of the day, wearing my slave out in bed, scening, watching television etc.. it all would fade away by midnight and then I would feel this moment of peaceful, beautiful silence that stretched before me like a vast, blank tablet that is waiting.  Waiting for my hand to mold and to shape it into somewhen that is totally mine to do with as I will…until the approach of dawn.  It is a wondrous and incredibly seductive time, RM. And the most amazing thing is that unlike birthdays, holidays and other special occaisions – this moment always unfurls before me like a beautiful delicate, inky black rose each and every night!  I loved being awake and staying awake as long as possible. Sometimes I dreamed of a world in which I'd never have to sleep and could just use all 24 hours of the clock for my porpoises....But you know what kids.. everything has a price tag.

Nothing is free.
There IS a tradeoff, gentle RM.  For my habitual idyllic sojourns in the land of sleeplessness, there is a toll.  And the bill is paid by the body - specifically the allowing of some or perhaps most of a growing list of travelers to accompany me through the pathways of the waking world.  Who are these travelers? - they go by varied and numerous names;

Hallucination – ever see those elusive little shadows that appear to be just out of the corner of your eyes, darting under beds or couches or the sense that ‘something’ was over there but isnt right now?  What about.... Irritability, Cognitive impairment, Memory lapses or loss, Severe Yawning, Symptoms similar to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), Impaired moral judgement, Decreased reaction time and accuracy, Tremors, Aching muscles, Risk of Diabetes Type 2, Growth suppression, Risk of obesity, Decreased temperature, Increased heart rate variability, Risk of heart disease, Impaired immune system...

These are facts RM…not opinion.  These are iIrrefutable, scientifically verified, independantly provable, in-your-face.. facts.   When we dont sleep as a way of life, these critters (and others) eventually become a part of our world.

At the shallow end of the pool, the list of travelers that would go with me through the waking world seemed like a small price to pay - as long as they were few and variable.  But be warned RM that the effects of sleep deprivation are cumulative and it has been my experience that the longer one goes without sleep on both the short (single night, or series of adjacent nights) or the long (over a period of months or years) term - the more of these critters clamber aboard.  Additionally, I’ve found that even if the list or quantity of symptoms doesn’t grow – the ‘weight’ if you will of specific attributes tends to expand geometrically...and as a result YOU gentle RM can begin to expand as well.. 

Por ejemplo...

Did you know that sleep deprivation disrupts your bodies ability to regulate hormones that control metabolism and appetite?

1. As a result you over eat during the day and also don’t lose weight as rapidly or consistently as a healthy person. 
2. Being overweight changes how you breathe, especially when sleeping – you develop chronic snoring and also sleep apnea where the soft tissues in the back of the throat relax and cut off your airway - you literally stop breathing for extended periods of time while asleep,
3. the body jolts itself awake to breathe by releasing panic signals/hormones whenever oxygen levels dip and remain below an optimal level as the body worksnto keep you alive.
4. These constant cycles of oxygen deprivation/adrenaline throughout the night stress your heart and also prohibit deep, restful sleep,..
5. ...which leads to increased tiredness during the day, and additionally
6. disrupts your bodies ability to regulate hormones that control metabolism and appetite, SO....during the day you overeat......

Lather, rinse and repeat the above cycle until dead.

This cycle isnt the only reason why a person becomes overweight, I realize that.

The point Im making is that at the deep end of the pool, chronic sleep deprivation will eventually kill you RM - mostly indirectly by contributing to complicated health issues that singularly or collectively damage your body enough to kill it.  There. I said it.

Yes, I could have waxed long and pedantic about various and sundry sleep aids like the best mattress for the money, size and quantity of pillows, their assorted fillings, the importance and relevance of thread count in bed linens and the merits of egyptian cotton vs domestically grown.

And perhaps I will at a later date.

But before we explore the concept of sleeping WELL, gentle RM – we need to tackle head on the issue that many of us struggle with, and that is sleeping AT ALL.

A question for you RM – you’ve put a lot of time and energy into the cultivation, development and structure of the relationship with that person or persons that serve you. Would you then consider it appropriate or responsible to then direct said submissive or slave to leave your service and go serve a different Master that is unhealhily overweight, chronically forgetful, clumsy, angry and suffers from heart disease, symptoms of ADHD, an impaired immune system, tremors, and impaired moral judgement?

Of course it’s a heavy handed overstatement RM and a borderline unreasonable example. Point? There is one and not just on top of my head.

Look into this article and let me know if you see your reflection anywhere. Are you a part of my Tribe of the Sleep Deprived – you know who you are and you know that this is Truth. Have you one or more of those aforementioned critters with you during the day, most days?

Seriously?

Killing oneself by degrees is neither Renaissance nor Masterly.

So what do we do next???????

This is long enough to be a two-parter and I hate to leave you right here, but you get the point RM.

Its time to make a change. I want to be here for a long time - and I want YOU to be here too.  We've got a lot of enjoying of the best that life has to offer still to come...so that means we have to make some very necessary changes.

Trust - There are solutions – we will explore some of those in some detail next. Meet me here tomorrow. In the meantime I welcome your comment.

Rest well, RM.

Mastery and Illusion

Is expertise more important than Mastery? If you ask 10 Masters which is more important, you might get 10 different answers, but a few of those will be of the variety “It depends” and more than a few may answer that expertise is more important. What say you, RM?

How about an example? I was talking to my slave about this phenomenon and she posed the question “what if a slave is so developed in a particular area that the addition of a Master’s will to that area of her life wouldn’t actually improve it??” Lets say the hypothetical slave has hyper developed skills of organization for instance. She or he always knows where everything is, what time something is supposed to begin, how much of a particular ingredient is left in the pantry before replenishments need to be purchased, etc… In fact, said slave is SO organized that her Master has directed the slave to effectively operate as Master in their relationship – in this specific area only. Why? Lets say the hypothetical Master is not very organized. At all. Is constantly forgetting things, losing car keys, cellphones, lots of ‘horizontal filing systems’ aka piles of papers on their desk etc. Doesn’t it make sense for the Master in this instance to make use of the skill set that the slave apparently possesses in abundance and essentially allow the slave to be the Master in this specific, targeted area?

In this age of specialty my answer might be surprising RM…but I must answer in the negative. As in absolutely not, never, no, nein. Fugeddaboutit. Why do I say this? Our enjoyment of our power exchange relationship structure is dependent on some fundamentals. This person, my slave has essentially given up their power to me. That power to control was given freely, without coercion or any negativity. Having assumed that position in her life where Im actually the person controlling things, it is important that I establish the parameters or boundaries that this control will be exercised in. Its not enough to sit on the throne and loudly declare oneself to be Lord and Master of all surveyed. Mastery is an action word – it requires the RM to actually DO SOMETHING. And in this regard that “something” that is done takes the shape of working on the slave – not only in establishing boundaries and expectations, but maintaining those boundaries and expectations as well.

I believe its important that we both know what’s going on with respect to what I want as Master (in terms of exercising control and dominance in her direction) and on her side, she needs to understand what my expectations are with respect to her responses and activities. Both Master and slave watch this ‘intersection’ of wills very intently, because similarly to an actual traffic intersection, the speed and rate of the traffic flow in either direction can vary widely. What is paramount is that we have the structure in place so we do not have collisions in the intersection. There is a call and response to the M/s dynamic – and ebb and flow that in many ways is not unlike a dance. The Master and the slave together – Dominance requires a response of surrender or submission. Control requires a response of obedience. At the intersection of the wills of the Master and slave or Dominant and submissive – each must know the rules of the road so to speak to avoid catastrophic collisions that ultimately give neither the pleasure that they seek from the experience of opening themselves to this shared level of authenticity..and vulnerability. The operative word here is pleasure. It pleases me to be in control. It pleases my slave to be under that control and to respond to it.

I’ve seen more than a few people in the M/s lifestyle miss this one, to their eventual chagrin. Lets explore why that is and what happens. Returning to the original example of the slave with hyper developed skills and for the sake of difficulty, let us also assume that this area of ability on part of the slave is also an area of deficiency on the part of the Master. It doesn’t have to be ‘organization’, it could be anything. It could be the management of finances, maintenance of one sort or another…fill in the blank with the activity or area of expertise of your choice. The well meaning, but misguided Master offers the opportunity to the slave to essentially be “in charge” of the Master in this perceived area of deficiency. He or She believes that this is somehow allowing the slave to pursue and exercise their highest potential…for what appears to be the highest good of the relationship. The slave at the same time may agree with this assessment and be both thrilled and excited at the opportunities to shine and to make their Master or Mistress proud of them. The expectation is that both Master and slave would be enriched by this new experience.

That is, until the majestic tapestry of relationship that these individuals as Master and slave have been weaving together starts to become frayed and worn around the edges. Why? Illusion. Lets explore what might be happening in this relationship;

The slave, seemingly released from their bonds in this particular area only, is soon challenged by a gnawing discomfort – an internal sense of unease because being in charge of or wielding control of their Master doesn’t bring the joy. Being in control gives YOU joy RM…don’t make the mistake of assuming that it will bring YOUR PROPERTY that same joy. Some may begin to question their Master in other areas tangential to their perceived area of expertise more often, either internally or externally. Others may desire to have MORE control or dominance exercised in their direction to compensate for the fact that they feel ‘out of order’ being in control of their Owner. Unfortunately in many cases these slaves do NOT receive additional Dominance or control because the Master is oblivious that anything is amiss until the slave starts manifesting their internal disquiet through acting out in more and more obvious ways. And finally, some slaves may begin to quietly withdraw internally from the dynamic, losing their fire and enthusiasm for many of the things that used to bring them bliss in their servitude.

And what happens to the Master?

Having allowed part of their kingdom to be annexed – even though it was at their direction, the Master may begin to experience periods or moments of anxiety, of self doubt, a low grade sense that something is amiss..but feel unsure as to how to identify exactly what is troubling them. Some Masters may find themselves overreacting with anger as the slave begins exercising the control that they have been given as they discover that their normally gentle or soft spoken slave becomes rather feisty and demanding as a leader. Of course a slave, not being used to Mastery, and perhaps more importantly not being wired to receive the same benefits from exercising Control that you do as Master -  is rarely going to act as you would.  A slave in Control is literally “acting the part” – and so they may become a caricature of the Master, reacting unnecessarily heavy handed where a quiet word would suffice, or demonstrative of anger and irritation where the Master in that same situation would be decisive and specific, acting in the authority that is natural for His or Her personality.

The Master although well meaning..and the slave although being obedient – are both in roles and situations in this example that are not internally nourishing. Neither are receiving the things they need to be their true selves. This role reversal does not provide the internal fuel that either party needs to run at peak operating efficiency.  And like an internal combustion engine running on a mixture of fuel and water - the engine begins to falter and sputter and overall performance begins to decline.

What can be done?

Masters are not omnicient – we do not know everything and we may not be at our best in any number of endeavors. There is a very real possibility that those that we own may possess those same skill sets we lack, in abundance. Im not advocating at all that the RM run out and strive to be expert in everything. That is neither realistic nor practical – and depending on the subject matter might not be very enjoyable either. However the astute RM must be aware of what he or she is asking for when we seek to command....and it begins with our intention and focus. There is a difference between those that Command and Control and those that provide Status and Update. In my opinion slaves should never be in Command of the Master, nor in Control of the Master. Even if said slave is an expert in what the Master wants done and the Master is 100% ignorant within the particular field of expertise engaged.

The Master provides the structure and boundaries within which the slave can operate and wield their talents and influence on behalf of the Master to achieve certain specified goals. The slave in response to the control and direction of the Master is in position to wield their influence, to provide counsel, status, update or any number of services to the Master….but does not retain direct power to make changes or implement new courses of action unilaterally, without permission. It is not necessary for the Master and slave to exchange roles, or to elevate the slave to Master in any facet of their relationship in order to achieve a specific goal, no matter how lofty.

It may seem counter intuitive and for some perhaps it is – but think about it RM. Emerson said; “The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.” Do not take away your slave’s joy by forcing them to sit on Your Throne alone – even for a short while. The success of your relationship and the satisfaction you both derive from your prospective roles may depend on your decision.

Rule well, RM.