Mastery and Sleep II

There are a dizzying array of caffeinated, multi colored energy drinks, supplements, juices and pills on the market today as we all know (and have consumed from time to time)  I don’t want to go down the path about the effects of caffeine or stimulants on the brain or any pseudo scientific analysis of what and how these things do what they do.  That’s really not the point. 

What I asked myself – and what I’d like you, gentle RM to ask yourself, ... is a simple question.

Why are they here?

Economics 101 teaches us about market forces – the forces of supply and demand and how they operate in the marketplace.  When we examine a concept like ‘demand’ – which is literally a want, backed by the ability to pay for it, and its counterpart ‘supply’ which is the willingness to provide something in exchange for payment….the simple answer is that energy drinks and supplements abound because we as a society want them and continue to pay a premium for them, so it makes sense that manufacturers continue to make a profit by meeting those needs. 

Go a little deeper RM. 

But, why are they here? Really?  - depending on who you ask in the academic community they might point out the factoid that we have as a nation cut about 90 minutes off our collective average sleeping time per night. And we continue to work on that - spending less and less time asleep on the whole each year.  There are other reasons to be sure – but to me, this stands out as prima facie evidence of why the marketplace continues to offer so many choices of substances that are basically designed to keep us awake and alert. Its simple really, RM.

People who aren't tired don’t need energy drinks to stay awake.  They aren't necessary.

Could our lack of proper amounts of rest be the silent culprit behind….

• The disturbing frequency with which a lack of civility and manners crops up in our subculture?
• The fact that a lot of us in the scene are overweight?
• The preponderance of addictive prone personalities in our subculture?
• Other collectively negative and/or individually harmful social phenomena?

You might say that I'm reaching RM, dragging in a load of cultural phenomena under this broad, very convenient umbrella of the cumulative effects of sleeplessness. ….and might be correct, perhaps I am stretching things metaphorically, a little.  Maybe.

Consider this however - if you read down the list I gave you yesterday concerning the scientifically verifiable and cumulative effects of chronic sleep deprivation, perhaps you might not think of this as quite so much of a stretch at all.  But enough theorizing for one day.  Lets move on to what I promised you on yesterday which was an exploration of what remedies we might be able to avail ourselves of in response to this dread situation that many of us find ourselves facing.

One more observation – I do NOT advocate treatment of the unfortunate side effects of sleep deprivation as cure. In other words –  ingesting something that helps you stay awake during the day is NOT synonymous with eliminating your sleep deprivation. I dont consider energy drinks/coffee/caffeinated drinks and supplements as being evil and disgusting, far from it. I often enjoy a hot cup of freshly ground dark roast right out of a french press with heavy cream. And some of the energy drinks that I've tasted are quite tasty and also effective as well. Occasionally they are necessary and helpful – just be aware of the fact that if we don’t address our fundamental need for sleep, that toll still continues to collect interest and eventually our bodies will pay the price.

So here are some helps, RM – pick and choose as you will and also add some if you know of any that will be of benefit to other readers;

• Write it down.  Are you the kind of person that keeps a laundry list of shyt that needs to be taken care of or things that are troubling you that you need to work on in your head all the time?  Us high-control types tend to notice a lot of things – the unfortunate side effect is that our brain tries to help us not forget the most important ones by staying awake to think about them.  Write them down.  The list will be there tomorrow and you can rest in the meantime.

• Don’t use your bed for anything but fucking or sleeping.  Period.  No reading, watching TV or eating cookies.  Its too easy to make associations in your brain that arent compatible with sleeping.

• Exercise is excellent – but not within 3 hours or so of bedtime.  Your body produces hormones in response to exercise that are in line with staying up…not sleeping.

• Create a nightly ritual for preparation for bedtime – going to bed at the same time, even doing repetitive things like changing clothing, going to take a shower or brush your teeth..establishing patterns that your racing mind will associate with 'sleep time' will yield benefits as you will start to calm yourself in anticipation of sleeping, which will make it easier to fall asleep when you get in bed.

• Protect your need to sleep – if you don’t make sleep a priority, then there will never be enough time for sleep.  That means you must make time in your schedule for sleep, RM. Time is linear and most of us have a time when we must be up and about – so we must therefore go to bed earlier.

• 5HTP - 5 HTP is an over the counter nutritional supplement.  Chemically, its the metabolic precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin. Tryptophane, an essential amino acid, is metabolized into 5-HTP by the body. 5 HTP is in turn, converted into the neurotransmitter Serotonin. Serotonin is responsible for mood, hunger and sleep. When I've used 5HTP I've found that I sleep deeper and when I wake up Im generally more optimistic and upbeat as well. Its not expensive and it works for me. Try some. 

• Avoid caffeine, alcohol and cigarettes several hours prior to bedtime. Stimulants are the enemy of sleep – if you’re amped up on caffeine, its going to be tougher to get good, restful sleep.

• Is your bedroom conducive to good sleeping? Get rid of clutter, pay attention to your mattress, pillows, bed linens.  Everything that touches your body should be of the highest quality that you can personally afford.  If it feels good on your skin you’ll feel better and be more relaxed as a result and more likely to enjoy your sleep experience.

• Do you snore excessively? Often wake up feeling groggy and not well rested? Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night gasping or with a sensation of choking? Do you feel better when you fall asleep in a sitting position, e.g. in a chair or recliner..but not a bed? You may be suffering from sleep apnea. Sleep apnea  is a sleep disorder characterised by abnormal pauses in breathing or instances of abnormally low breathing, during sleep. Each pause in breathing, called an apnea, can last from a few seconds to minutes, and may occur 5 to 30 times or more an hour.  If you suspect this is happening to you, you need to see a sleep doctor. The Dr may recommend a sleep study, which is where they monitor your sleep for a night to see how often you are experiencing apnea. There are a number of methods to offer relief from apnea and your doctor will work with you to find the treatment that best works for you. If you have sleep apnea, dont procrastinate - see a doctor as soon as you can. Apnea can be life threatening if untreated.

• Temperature is important – your bedroom should be cool, dark and quiet.

• Do you have problems getting back to sleep after you get up and go to the bathroom?  The culprit might be the light bulb…..If you DO have to get up in the middle of the night, keep the lights off.  In general you should endeavor to keep your room as dark as possible.  Research indicates that exposure to moderate or bright lights that interrupt our sleep cycle can disrupt our circadian rhythms and fool our brains into believing that its daytime, leading to wakefulness.

• Give yourself a specific bedtime – this may take a while…you’ve been not sleeping good for a while now..turning this thing around and developing good sleep habits may take some time to do, so dont beat yourself up about it if it doesnt happen immediately. It may take some work...and some time, to get better.

• No heavy meals before bedtime – a light snack of something that contains tryptophan like apple pie and ice cream, whole-grain cereal with milk, hazelnuts and tofu , oatmeal and raisin cookies, and a glass of milk, peanut butter sandwich, ground sesame seeds.. note that it takes around one hour for the tryptophan in whatever foods you eat to actually reach the brain, so don't wait until right before bedtime to have your snack.  

• What if you still cant sleep – don’t beat yourself up about it.  Studies have shown that you still are getting 70-80% of the benefits of sleep by relaxing quietly with your eyes closed.

Remedies and adjustments like these abound – just do a search on ‘sleep’ and you’ll soon have more recommendations than you can digest in hours and hours of reading.  Which will work for you?  You may have to experiment - each of us are different and respond to different things.   

For most of us, the most important thing we can do to start getting more/better sleep; 

Recognize that we need more sleep and apply our intention to achieving that goal.

For some of us, that means doing the research online to find specific remedies that are workable for us, like the short list of recommendations above.  For others – we really just need to commit our time and attention to doing things differently. We know better RM…and we have known better for some time.   

But just KNOWING differently means little if we don’t also DO differently. 

At the end of the day RM – each of us is King or Queen in our respective castles and as such, we are free to do as we like.  It is my belief that you, like myself are all about the business of constantly moving toward the best this life has to offer in all fields of practical endeavor and contemplation and the command and enjoyment of exquisite servitude.  Proper governance of your specific kingdom demands a lot of that person who would sit on the throne - and we need to be at 100%, RM. Seriously. 

The final stanza of the Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem, 'The Sleep' - that I began Mastery and Sleep with a few days ago refers to the end of life – there are no tears at the end over one that has squeezed every drop of joy out of a life well lived.  None of us like to think about that time when we shall close our eyes on this plane of existence for the last time, but that day comes for all of us, and for some sooner than later.  Don’t let those in your Kingdom grieve over you because you’ve left the throne unoccupied early….through inattention or outright ignorance. 

Let them rejoice instead over a life well lived – an intentional life lived on your terms, with a fierce joy.  Hopefully that day is far, far away for all of us – therefore gentle RM – Let us do what we can do RIGHT NOW – to increase our enjoyment of the life that we have.  What could be simpler than putting the hammer away, shutting off the computer, the television, closing the book…and getting more of the rest, the sleep that you need?   

Start tonight RM – please let me know how you are doing.  Hit me on Fetlife as MasterObsidian or via email – House.of.obsidian@gmail.com

Sleep well, RM.

Mastery and Sleep

What would we give to our beloved?
The hero’s heart to be unmoved,
The poet’s star-tun’d harp to sweep,
The patriot’s voice to teach and rouse,
The monarch’s crown to light the brows?
He giveth His beloved, sleep.
                                                             - Browning

 


Can't Sleep, Clown will Eat Me.

I’ve been thinking of late RM about the function and the necessity of sleep. Im reminded that it wasn’t that long ago, during the Q&A portion of the International Master/slave competition that I was asked about the area of my biggest struggle and I had to make a choice at that moment. The answer that came immediately to mind wasn’t directly applicable to the Master/slave lifestyle, but it does potentially have an effect on that and every other facet of our lives together as Master and slave. That answer , RM was that I have an issue with sleeping. Not that I suffer from any sort of chronic insomnia or a genetic predisposition to not sleeping….I just don’t like to sleep.

If given a choice between going to bed or staying up reading or writing or researching, I will almost always desire the option that involves staying up a little later, finishing this chapter, this movie, this article, this…whatever. You get the point – I’d rather do anything than go to bed.
There are a number of different reasons that have been primary at one time or another during my lifetime. At times I’ve felt that I’d be missing something if I went to sleep, therefore I’d stay up and do the much more interesting thing whatever that is, instead of wasting valuable time abed. At other times I’ve been working on various projects or been under some sort of deadline that would require in my mind extended periods of time where I felt I needed to go without sleep to accomplish some goal I’d set for myself.

Note,  RM that even as I write this I recognize that my impressions of what was ‘necessary’ with regard to my own sleep deprivation may not have been realistic, but it certainly felt so at the time.  And since we are ruminating, let me also add that there seems to be a thought in the back of my mind that sleep is for wussies.  A strong, capable person (like myself, I thought) has the ability to tap into hidden reserves of strength not immediately apparent to the average person and thereby exist on about half the amount of sleep that most people need to function.  I told myself (and others) some version of that macho bullshit for years, as I routinely allowed myself roughly 4 hours a night of sleep on average, many times going without sleep entirely, getting what I called my ‘second wind’ around 4 a.m. at which time I’d start to feel more awake as dawn approached.  I’d crash the following afternoon of course and take a nap during lunch and somehow make it through the doldrums of the afternoon in a quasi awake state. The stark reality is that there is no such thing as a superpower of not needing sleep. I was burning the candle at both ends.  Sure, I developed elaborate coping strategies, but on some level I knew that this wasn’t good for me and I’d also be cognizant of the need to make some sort of change…but I’d do it again and again anyway.

The Beauty of the Night 
For me, the middle of the night is a beautiful place to be. Its quiet, dark – the people that you love are safe and tucked away sleeping, there are no interruptions, no phone ringing, no worrying about finishing up things here before you have to be there by X time – none of those irritating phenomena that we accept as part and parcel of the daylight world. For about 6 or so hours each night after what is commonly considered ‘late night’ activity; the susurrus of murmured conversations over the issues of the day, wearing my slave out in bed, scening, watching television etc.. it all would fade away by midnight and then I would feel this moment of peaceful, beautiful silence that stretched before me like a vast, blank tablet that is waiting.  Waiting for my hand to mold and to shape it into somewhen that is totally mine to do with as I will…until the approach of dawn.  It is a wondrous and incredibly seductive time, RM. And the most amazing thing is that unlike birthdays, holidays and other special occaisions – this moment always unfurls before me like a beautiful delicate, inky black rose each and every night!  I loved being awake and staying awake as long as possible. Sometimes I dreamed of a world in which I'd never have to sleep and could just use all 24 hours of the clock for my porpoises....But you know what kids.. everything has a price tag.

Nothing is free.
There IS a tradeoff, gentle RM.  For my habitual idyllic sojourns in the land of sleeplessness, there is a toll.  And the bill is paid by the body - specifically the allowing of some or perhaps most of a growing list of travelers to accompany me through the pathways of the waking world.  Who are these travelers? - they go by varied and numerous names;

Hallucination – ever see those elusive little shadows that appear to be just out of the corner of your eyes, darting under beds or couches or the sense that ‘something’ was over there but isnt right now?  What about.... Irritability, Cognitive impairment, Memory lapses or loss, Severe Yawning, Symptoms similar to ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), Impaired moral judgement, Decreased reaction time and accuracy, Tremors, Aching muscles, Risk of Diabetes Type 2, Growth suppression, Risk of obesity, Decreased temperature, Increased heart rate variability, Risk of heart disease, Impaired immune system...

These are facts RM…not opinion.  These are iIrrefutable, scientifically verified, independantly provable, in-your-face.. facts.   When we dont sleep as a way of life, these critters (and others) eventually become a part of our world.

At the shallow end of the pool, the list of travelers that would go with me through the waking world seemed like a small price to pay - as long as they were few and variable.  But be warned RM that the effects of sleep deprivation are cumulative and it has been my experience that the longer one goes without sleep on both the short (single night, or series of adjacent nights) or the long (over a period of months or years) term - the more of these critters clamber aboard.  Additionally, I’ve found that even if the list or quantity of symptoms doesn’t grow – the ‘weight’ if you will of specific attributes tends to expand geometrically...and as a result YOU gentle RM can begin to expand as well.. 

Por ejemplo...

Did you know that sleep deprivation disrupts your bodies ability to regulate hormones that control metabolism and appetite?

1. As a result you over eat during the day and also don’t lose weight as rapidly or consistently as a healthy person. 
2. Being overweight changes how you breathe, especially when sleeping – you develop chronic snoring and also sleep apnea where the soft tissues in the back of the throat relax and cut off your airway - you literally stop breathing for extended periods of time while asleep,
3. the body jolts itself awake to breathe by releasing panic signals/hormones whenever oxygen levels dip and remain below an optimal level as the body worksnto keep you alive.
4. These constant cycles of oxygen deprivation/adrenaline throughout the night stress your heart and also prohibit deep, restful sleep,..
5. ...which leads to increased tiredness during the day, and additionally
6. disrupts your bodies ability to regulate hormones that control metabolism and appetite, SO....during the day you overeat......

Lather, rinse and repeat the above cycle until dead.

This cycle isnt the only reason why a person becomes overweight, I realize that.

The point Im making is that at the deep end of the pool, chronic sleep deprivation will eventually kill you RM - mostly indirectly by contributing to complicated health issues that singularly or collectively damage your body enough to kill it.  There. I said it.

Yes, I could have waxed long and pedantic about various and sundry sleep aids like the best mattress for the money, size and quantity of pillows, their assorted fillings, the importance and relevance of thread count in bed linens and the merits of egyptian cotton vs domestically grown.

And perhaps I will at a later date.

But before we explore the concept of sleeping WELL, gentle RM – we need to tackle head on the issue that many of us struggle with, and that is sleeping AT ALL.

A question for you RM – you’ve put a lot of time and energy into the cultivation, development and structure of the relationship with that person or persons that serve you. Would you then consider it appropriate or responsible to then direct said submissive or slave to leave your service and go serve a different Master that is unhealhily overweight, chronically forgetful, clumsy, angry and suffers from heart disease, symptoms of ADHD, an impaired immune system, tremors, and impaired moral judgement?

Of course it’s a heavy handed overstatement RM and a borderline unreasonable example. Point? There is one and not just on top of my head.

Look into this article and let me know if you see your reflection anywhere. Are you a part of my Tribe of the Sleep Deprived – you know who you are and you know that this is Truth. Have you one or more of those aforementioned critters with you during the day, most days?

Seriously?

Killing oneself by degrees is neither Renaissance nor Masterly.

So what do we do next???????

This is long enough to be a two-parter and I hate to leave you right here, but you get the point RM.

Its time to make a change. I want to be here for a long time - and I want YOU to be here too.  We've got a lot of enjoying of the best that life has to offer still to come...so that means we have to make some very necessary changes.

Trust - There are solutions – we will explore some of those in some detail next. Meet me here tomorrow. In the meantime I welcome your comment.

Rest well, RM.

Mastery and Illusion

Is expertise more important than Mastery? If you ask 10 Masters which is more important, you might get 10 different answers, but a few of those will be of the variety “It depends” and more than a few may answer that expertise is more important. What say you, RM?

How about an example? I was talking to my slave about this phenomenon and she posed the question “what if a slave is so developed in a particular area that the addition of a Master’s will to that area of her life wouldn’t actually improve it??” Lets say the hypothetical slave has hyper developed skills of organization for instance. She or he always knows where everything is, what time something is supposed to begin, how much of a particular ingredient is left in the pantry before replenishments need to be purchased, etc… In fact, said slave is SO organized that her Master has directed the slave to effectively operate as Master in their relationship – in this specific area only. Why? Lets say the hypothetical Master is not very organized. At all. Is constantly forgetting things, losing car keys, cellphones, lots of ‘horizontal filing systems’ aka piles of papers on their desk etc. Doesn’t it make sense for the Master in this instance to make use of the skill set that the slave apparently possesses in abundance and essentially allow the slave to be the Master in this specific, targeted area?

In this age of specialty my answer might be surprising RM…but I must answer in the negative. As in absolutely not, never, no, nein. Fugeddaboutit. Why do I say this? Our enjoyment of our power exchange relationship structure is dependent on some fundamentals. This person, my slave has essentially given up their power to me. That power to control was given freely, without coercion or any negativity. Having assumed that position in her life where Im actually the person controlling things, it is important that I establish the parameters or boundaries that this control will be exercised in. Its not enough to sit on the throne and loudly declare oneself to be Lord and Master of all surveyed. Mastery is an action word – it requires the RM to actually DO SOMETHING. And in this regard that “something” that is done takes the shape of working on the slave – not only in establishing boundaries and expectations, but maintaining those boundaries and expectations as well.

I believe its important that we both know what’s going on with respect to what I want as Master (in terms of exercising control and dominance in her direction) and on her side, she needs to understand what my expectations are with respect to her responses and activities. Both Master and slave watch this ‘intersection’ of wills very intently, because similarly to an actual traffic intersection, the speed and rate of the traffic flow in either direction can vary widely. What is paramount is that we have the structure in place so we do not have collisions in the intersection. There is a call and response to the M/s dynamic – and ebb and flow that in many ways is not unlike a dance. The Master and the slave together – Dominance requires a response of surrender or submission. Control requires a response of obedience. At the intersection of the wills of the Master and slave or Dominant and submissive – each must know the rules of the road so to speak to avoid catastrophic collisions that ultimately give neither the pleasure that they seek from the experience of opening themselves to this shared level of authenticity..and vulnerability. The operative word here is pleasure. It pleases me to be in control. It pleases my slave to be under that control and to respond to it.

I’ve seen more than a few people in the M/s lifestyle miss this one, to their eventual chagrin. Lets explore why that is and what happens. Returning to the original example of the slave with hyper developed skills and for the sake of difficulty, let us also assume that this area of ability on part of the slave is also an area of deficiency on the part of the Master. It doesn’t have to be ‘organization’, it could be anything. It could be the management of finances, maintenance of one sort or another…fill in the blank with the activity or area of expertise of your choice. The well meaning, but misguided Master offers the opportunity to the slave to essentially be “in charge” of the Master in this perceived area of deficiency. He or She believes that this is somehow allowing the slave to pursue and exercise their highest potential…for what appears to be the highest good of the relationship. The slave at the same time may agree with this assessment and be both thrilled and excited at the opportunities to shine and to make their Master or Mistress proud of them. The expectation is that both Master and slave would be enriched by this new experience.

That is, until the majestic tapestry of relationship that these individuals as Master and slave have been weaving together starts to become frayed and worn around the edges. Why? Illusion. Lets explore what might be happening in this relationship;

The slave, seemingly released from their bonds in this particular area only, is soon challenged by a gnawing discomfort – an internal sense of unease because being in charge of or wielding control of their Master doesn’t bring the joy. Being in control gives YOU joy RM…don’t make the mistake of assuming that it will bring YOUR PROPERTY that same joy. Some may begin to question their Master in other areas tangential to their perceived area of expertise more often, either internally or externally. Others may desire to have MORE control or dominance exercised in their direction to compensate for the fact that they feel ‘out of order’ being in control of their Owner. Unfortunately in many cases these slaves do NOT receive additional Dominance or control because the Master is oblivious that anything is amiss until the slave starts manifesting their internal disquiet through acting out in more and more obvious ways. And finally, some slaves may begin to quietly withdraw internally from the dynamic, losing their fire and enthusiasm for many of the things that used to bring them bliss in their servitude.

And what happens to the Master?

Having allowed part of their kingdom to be annexed – even though it was at their direction, the Master may begin to experience periods or moments of anxiety, of self doubt, a low grade sense that something is amiss..but feel unsure as to how to identify exactly what is troubling them. Some Masters may find themselves overreacting with anger as the slave begins exercising the control that they have been given as they discover that their normally gentle or soft spoken slave becomes rather feisty and demanding as a leader. Of course a slave, not being used to Mastery, and perhaps more importantly not being wired to receive the same benefits from exercising Control that you do as Master -  is rarely going to act as you would.  A slave in Control is literally “acting the part” – and so they may become a caricature of the Master, reacting unnecessarily heavy handed where a quiet word would suffice, or demonstrative of anger and irritation where the Master in that same situation would be decisive and specific, acting in the authority that is natural for His or Her personality.

The Master although well meaning..and the slave although being obedient – are both in roles and situations in this example that are not internally nourishing. Neither are receiving the things they need to be their true selves. This role reversal does not provide the internal fuel that either party needs to run at peak operating efficiency.  And like an internal combustion engine running on a mixture of fuel and water - the engine begins to falter and sputter and overall performance begins to decline.

What can be done?

Masters are not omnicient – we do not know everything and we may not be at our best in any number of endeavors. There is a very real possibility that those that we own may possess those same skill sets we lack, in abundance. Im not advocating at all that the RM run out and strive to be expert in everything. That is neither realistic nor practical – and depending on the subject matter might not be very enjoyable either. However the astute RM must be aware of what he or she is asking for when we seek to command....and it begins with our intention and focus. There is a difference between those that Command and Control and those that provide Status and Update. In my opinion slaves should never be in Command of the Master, nor in Control of the Master. Even if said slave is an expert in what the Master wants done and the Master is 100% ignorant within the particular field of expertise engaged.

The Master provides the structure and boundaries within which the slave can operate and wield their talents and influence on behalf of the Master to achieve certain specified goals. The slave in response to the control and direction of the Master is in position to wield their influence, to provide counsel, status, update or any number of services to the Master….but does not retain direct power to make changes or implement new courses of action unilaterally, without permission. It is not necessary for the Master and slave to exchange roles, or to elevate the slave to Master in any facet of their relationship in order to achieve a specific goal, no matter how lofty.

It may seem counter intuitive and for some perhaps it is – but think about it RM. Emerson said; “The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.” Do not take away your slave’s joy by forcing them to sit on Your Throne alone – even for a short while. The success of your relationship and the satisfaction you both derive from your prospective roles may depend on your decision.

Rule well, RM.

Master's Moleskine

Today’s Quote;
“Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person.” - Albert Einstein

.

My Thoughts; I've been thinking of late about the pivotal events in a man's life.  Pivotal as in vitally important, especially in determining the outcome, progress, or success of something. Pivotal in the sense that we recognize the significance of that moment...after which everything has changed in some way and you find yourself headed in a new or different direction.  In a man's life there are many.

• The first time something or someone you cared about passed away. 
• Creating something with your own hands for the first time. 
• Devotion of your time and intention to Becoming Really Good at Something. 
• Making that first Big Purchase
• ...Or what about the first time she lifted her hips slightly to enable you to take off her panties.  No..Not last week - although good for you if that is the case...Im talking about the first time it happened, ever. That's pivotal Bro.  
• What about the first time you truly glimpsed the Path you were on - and you understood what it means to devote yourself to Mastery...
• What are some of your pivotal events?  What did they teach you? What have you learned?

Things We Love; There are some transcendant moments when you realize how good it is to be alive and how excellent it is to be a man.  We dont get together as much or as often as we should, but there is nothing to compare to the experience of laughing together with men of like minds. In my minds eye I can go back to a warm evening with two very dear friends...two of us with cigars and two fingers of the dark liquor of our choice in hand, the other with a cigarette.  I dont remember what the hell we talked about - its not important.  What is important to me is the laughter.  Deep, rich..from the belly..the kind that leaves you slumped over sideways in your chair, short of breath and wiping a tear out of the corner of your eye with the back of your hand.  It comes in waves - as soon as it dies down, someone will say something that will start it up again.

My wish for every man is that you be blessed with friends that you can laugh with like that.  I believe the entire world would benefit.

Now, It's not too late if you do not have that kind of relationship in your life, and I'll share with you a profound secret that I've discovered along the way.  You can change big things in your life today, if that's what you want.  And only you can want whatever it is in such a way that it is going to work for you. Say what it is that you want. Not 'in your head' - actually say it out loud. Yes, I know it sounds goofy - but its real. What if the things that are missing in our lives arent there simply because we've never said that's what we wanted?  The concept of self-advocacy is taught in the schools these days all the time. People of our generation missed a lot of those lessons. So lets begin today - now, while nobody's looking lets advocate for ourselves and speak our truth out into the void. Having good friends does not have to be a rare occurrance that only happens to other people. And by saying this to yourself, today....only you will know the truth of it and see it actually begin to unfold after this moment, true? Of course if you want to share your success with me, I'd love to hear about it!  Do it now!

Music in my Head: Old school stuff...Marvin Gaye singing Distant Lover live...Steely Dan, AJA...Earth Wind and Fire....Would.You Mind..

Travels; We have graduations happening over the next couple of weeks, so no travels other than the usual.  Looking forward to flying home Friday morning! 

Deliciousness; Read an article in Esquire about making the Best Burger in the World.  What that means is taking the time to identify your own special blend of meat, grinding it and including your own blend of spices.  Im planning on two parts chuck with good marbling to one part sirloin. I plan on doing just that this weekend to celebrate my daughters graduation from high school with a serious BBQ. Its going to be messy no doubt, but its also going to be fantastic. There's nothing like chilling in the evening smelling of smoke with a celebratory beverage in hand and seeing everyone around you full and happy. Im looking forward to this weekend!

Adventures this week; I've been working on focusing my intention toward what it is that I actually WANT out of this life instead of spending so much time and energy thinking about that which I do NOT want. It seems like a small distinction, but it is actually very important. Check this;
"Continuing to tell stories of shortage only continues to contradict your desire for abundance, and you cannot have it both ways: You cannot focus upon unwanted and receive wanted. You cannot focus upon stories about money that make you feel uncomfortable and allow into your experience what makes you feel comfortable. A different story will bring different results: My thoughts are the basis for the attraction of all things that I consider to be good, which includes enough money, and health, for my comfort and joy."
--- Abraham

Ex Libris; Spook Country, William Gibson; overheard on a plane that there is a new Laurell K Hamilton out AND a new J.R. Ward.  I want them both.

I am thankful for; my slave, good friends and family and a good nights rest. If you've ever suffered from even the smallest bout with insomnia you know how good it is to rest deeply and peacefully and to awaken refreshed and ready to meet the challenges of the day.

Discover the Event;  The next large scale event is going to be in Atlanta GA where we will be doing two classes at SELF, June 11-13. The weekend after we are going to be in NOLA and the following weekend in our nations capital - currently looking around to see what trouble we can get into in both of those wonderful cities. If you have some good ideas, let me know...

Wisdom; You are close to your goal. Rest if you must - but dont you quit.

When I was a kid, my Dad would recite parts of this poem to me and as corny as it seemed then - its amazing how often I've heard these words in my head, in his voice...right at the time when I needed them. I offer a bit of it to you here and a link to where you can read the whole thing - enjoy. 

Dont Quit.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Master's Moleskine

Today’s Quote;

“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.”

                                                                                                                        Oscar Wilde

.

My Thoughts; I've been thinking of late about outer vs inner space. By that I mean that its wonderful to spend an evening over libations and good conversation concerning the weighty issues of the day, be they political, sports related or general philosophy..explore 'outer space' But what about the interior? As I get older Im recognizing the importance of looking inside, not being so concerned about what "they" are doing "out there" but what am I doing 'in here'? What am I thinking? Feeling? Concerned with today? How is my health? What are my goals? My beliefs?

Things We Love;  Recently had an opportunity to see the premiere of the opera "Moby Dick" - words fail me to describe how wonderful it was to hear voices raised in song...Sometimes we are so blessed and fortunate to be in the presence of greatness, of mastery. There is something of the sacred in bearing witness to the moment in which you see another human being at the peak of their game, doing best That Thing They were Meant to Do. I cherish and savor those moments whenever and wherever I find them.

Music in my Head:  Corinne Bailey Rae, live...singing Since I Been Loving You. Maxwell - Pretty Wings, Enigma, Touchness.

Travels; has been seriously much of late. A few weeks ago we were in Florida presenting at Beyond Leather, Two weeks ago in San Jose for the NWLC. Then last week for regular biz, traveled to Dallas then Las Vegas, then back to Houston and then Dallas, then home to Austin. In one week. Deep breath.

Deliciousness; Looking forward to some deliciously hot catfish filets this evening for dinner, perhaps paired with a nice red wine as we are out of whites and its serious T-Storms outside so Im not going to the store to get any. Maybe I'll enjoy them with a frosty Red Stripe instead of wine.

Adventures this week; after a week that I had last week - we were still looking forward to traveling back to LA for DomCon, however the titanic T-Storms that snarled air traffic on Friday effectively negated getting out to LA. this weekend. Doing nothing, otoh can be its own event. It was sweet.

Ex Libris; The War of the Flowers, by Tad Williams, The Science of Happiness

I am thankful for; Durable 737's that can handle lightning strikes and keep chugging along through the skies. The art and science of wine making. Good wine is amazing.

Discover the Event;  Our next event is for the TNG group here in Austin, Tx.  The class is on Mastery and Authenticity. The next large scale event is going to be in Atlanta GA where we will be doing two classes at SELF, June 11-13.

Wisdom; Sometimes you stand alone.

Sometimes life throws you curves you werent expecting. MLK said that we start to die when we neglect to speak up about things that really matter. If you have to stand alone concerning something important, and that time has come upon you when you were looking the other way..dont despair. You are ready. You've always been ready...and you will find the strength to do that which must be done when you need it.  Your whole life has been preparing you for this time, whether you realize it or not. You can do this.

Mastery vs Selfishness...

When is a Master like a Big Baby?  Is Mastery just selfishness dressed for the prom?

A hungry or wet baby isn’t trying to be mean or cruel to you as a parent by whimpering, crying or throwing an enraged screaming fit when needs aren’t being met. The baby doesn’t care about your bad day at the office or the fact that your car broke down and it took you an extra two hours to get home.  They arent being cruel because they aren’t malicious at heart. They are creatures of pure need and they are helpless to provide for themselves. They are clueless about your day because that is beyond their scope of reference.  The largest and most important Being in their universe is themselves. In the case of an infant, being totally self referenced isnt a sin – its entirely appropriate for their stage of development.  As a Master on the other hand, being entirely self referenced is not only inappropriate, but for the long term health of the M/s dynamic could be potentially deadly to the relationship. Being clueless of what is going on with my slave and being totally focused on my own needs and wants is irresponsible at the least and potentially dangerous at the worst.  

Okay – enough metaphor for one day. 

But lets not ignore the question…how is being a Master not an elaborate exercise in self referenced behavior? Is our care and control exercised for the safety and well-being of those that we own an elaborate ruse to get our own needs met? Is there anything wrong with recognizing the fact that you need to give in order to get?  After all, nobody would accuse me of selfish motives for spending my hard earned lucre on gas when the gauge gets below half full, or on tires or necessary parts when my auto is in a state of disrepair. There is an implicit understanding in the care and feeding of automobiles that if you plan to own and drive one for any length of time, the amount of care you will indirectly receive from said auto is at least commensurate with the amount of care you put into it.

Ok, so sue me. More metaphor.  Delicious.

Seriously though - You get the point, RM?  If we can take care of our tools, our automobiles and our domicile however grandiose or humble…then we should be actively and seriously looking at what is necessary to take care of our slave(s) or submissive(s) as well.

  

But take into consideration for a moment RM that 'what is necessary' can wear many different robes. Consider the property that is energized and fulfilled precisely by behavior from the owner that most would characterize as incredibly selfish, bordering on negligence or disinterest. Lets create a shared language of understanding around the term ‘care’for instance. Lets toss out the references to ‘care’ being synonymous with ‘burdensome’ because for this example they are tangential to the subject.  I would submit, gentle RM that terms like ‘close attention’ would apply here. What about watchful oversight; charge or supervision – or to be concerned or interested.  When we apply terms such as these to the Master/slave dynamic, these terms lead us down another very interesting pathway.

Picture a Master – perhaps yourself, gentle RM…taking your ease in your favorite chair. Your dress is comfortable you are enjoying a glass of your favorite vintage and you have your feet out front of you, resting comfortably on the back of your slave.  Your cigar is lit and you are leisurely smoking perhaps, if such is your predilection, and one of your slaves hands is open at the ready to receive the ash, at the appropriate time. Some might prefer to use the mouth as ashtray, I’ve heard.  Using your slave(s) as inanimate object might seem cruel and unusual to the untrained eye. However I believe that if done well, both Master and slave enjoy the experience in a state of bliss. Why? Because there is a critical distinction between selfishness and care within the M/s dynamic although in practice, actions may look fundamentally the same – only the intent behind them is different.  The critical distinction is that selfishness cares not at all about outcome. The selfish hand takes without giving back and the selfish mouth consumes without regard as to where the provenance comes from. In this instance the selfish Master, the Big Baby that we referred to earlier doesn’t give a tinker’s damn what the slave is getting out of the experience. The caring Master on the other hand, although appearing to possess a cruel demeanor and a aloof, even dismissive affect, is at the same time observing very carefully and on some level is cataloging actions and reactions of the slave. The caring Master is mindful of the level and severity of fatigue experienced by the slave in holding the specific position, and may also be intentional about how long the slave can hold a specific position without moving.

In fact, that Master may decide to push the slave to near or complete failure by a specific action, or series of actions simply because he/she receives pleasure from doing so. They may be visibly unmoved by trembling, by tears or the apparent excruciating sensations generated within the body of the slave in holding said position. But this is all intentional. It takes energy, intention and focus to momentarily ignore or disavow the perceived needs of the submissive or slave for comfort, for respite or for a host of things that many would consider pleasant and ‘good’. To ignore their basic human needs for a time in pursuit of a specific goal or set of goals. The astute RM seeks not to be surprised by outcomes, for each test, each trial whether physical, as in this example or even spiritual or mental is a portal, an opportunity for the growth and development of the person owned, or for their instruction in one way or another.  This isnt to say that the RM is omniscient or omnipresent – what he or she is…is paying attention.

Let us be Mindful RM.

Dont forget

“Your days are short here; this is the last of your springs. And now in the serenity and quiet of this lovely place, touch the depths of truth, feel the hem of Heaven. You will go away with old, good friends. And don't forget when you leave why you came.” Adlai Stevenson

This is the path we trod – our shared search for meaning, a search for that quintessential *something* - that thing that once found will forever be a part of us and now while on our search is almost always seen in shadow, peripherally – out of the corner of our eye. It is maddening sometimes, this search. But occasionally you find it. You grasp it and make it your own. 

For some of us the realization of this truth will be found in movement, in the actual doing of something – righting some wrong or climbing higher or running further than we thought we could. Pushing beyond our boundaries. Reaching out beyond ourselves and doing it anyway. No matter what anyone else says, either for or against. 

For others, the simple joy will be found in living rapturously, intensely – experientally. The sight of something so beautiful that it makes your whole body smile. The immersion in redolent scents, in the tasting of things fantastically crispy, or rich or silky smooth..  Or in the watching of the world around us unfolding and the wisdom of the nautilus and the spiral stair – patterns repeat themselves and we are here because we have always been here and will always be. Hear the symphony contained within a single note..

And let us not forget those for whom living intentionally means pouring themselves out like water, soaking deep into the hidden places, the cracked and dry blasted plains of our lives and literally drenching those parched, arid vistas with their passion – they bring us both laughter and tears and we come away from their presence refreshed, clean..renewed. We walk forward with the scent of their rain in our hair and the memory of clouds.  Don’t forget to say thank you. 

We are our stories.

Take a moment - Look at your hands and resolve that for the next five minutes you will live an intentional existence. Be here. Right here and right now. Look for once through your own eyes at that which lies before you. Eat it up. Taste it. Smell it.  Live it. 


Make it last.

You hear that? 

Your life is calling. Go find out what it wants! 

Masters Holding Space

Holding space for slaves. What does this mean? How can I as a Master hold space for my slave? In the traditional sense, ‘Holding Space‘ for someone means staying engaged and present with them while they undergo a process of self-inquiry and discovery of truth.
I believe that it is both necessary and essential for Masters to learn to hold space for their slaves in such a way that the slave continues to grow, continues to evolve and maintains their enthusiasm and dedication. What started me to thinking about this was a number of things that happened recently – I was reading the foreword of a book that we are talking about on my Master’s yahoo group – its The Control Book in which the author talks about why we do what it is that we do.

According to Peter Masters a Dominant is someone who seeks simply to take and use control over a submissive. A submissive seeks to give up control and be controlled by a Dominant. Control is the key – he also states in comparing M/s to D/s that a Dominant controlling a submissive is an exercise in want on the part of both parties, but in a M/s dynamic the control taken and used by the Master and also received and given by the slave are an exercise of NEED. On some level Masters need control..and slaves need to be controlled as well. I thought this was an interesting viewpoint, it did however bring me to another question which on the surface you might either think is obvious or assumed; what about the issue of personal pleasure and fulfillment with regard to the exercise of control taken and used on the part of the Master and received and/or given by the slave? Is it about sex, for instance? Certainly sex is one avenue to pleasure, and an important and essential one for many of us. WIITWD is full of sexual pathways to pleasure. But I’ve always felt that for me the exercise of taking and using control also gives me a tremendous sense of satisfaction internally – its difficult for me to describe that sense of satisfaction in any other way than to say it is also a feeling of pleasure, or pleasurable in nature. Combine sexual pleasure to the pleasure of exercising control and Im in heaven basically – but I’ve always felt that sexual pleasure and the pleasure I get from exercising or taking control are two different things.

Obedience is the foundation of the Master/slave relationship. As I’ve heard others, most recently Master Skip say – deliberate disobedience will almost always irreparably shatter this relationship. It is my belief that the other side of this coin is that if the Master does not provide regular opportunities for the slave’s obedience, the relationship can suffer as well. As I’ve noted earlier, in my experience I find that the pleasure I receive from taking and using or exercising control in my relationships is fulfilling to me. My slave finds fulfillment in responding to the exercise of that control. So it follows that as the slave lives and operates in response to our Mastery, it is incumbent upon us as Masters to be vigilant concerning the timing and frequency used to provide opportunities for obedience.

I was talking to my slave about some goals that I had outlined for her and as we continued to discuss the volume of things that she does on a daily basis she brought to my attention that she definitely feels differently about everyday activities and chores depending on how I’ve directed her. More specifically she feels differently if she cleans the floor because I’ve told her to clean the floor, or if I’ve been specific about how and when I want the floor cleaned in such a fashion, than if no directive at all is given concerning the floor.

What would normally be a mundane activity now becomes interesting.

Why is cleaning a floor then an interesting experience? I believe that her diligence in the task and the excellence of the outcome is directly related to her sense of being obedient to my wishes. As we talked more she told me that she felt that she didn’t have the energy that she used to and was feeling tired more often, even though she still felt a strong desire to perform at a level that would be pleasing to me. As I reflected on our discussion, I eventually had an "AHA" moment in which I realized that her perception of the activity and her energy level didn’t have much to do with how many hours of sleep she had received, exercise, good nutrition or taking vitamins, even though all of those were things that I have in the past had opinions about and had associated directives attached to them.

I had to admit to myself that although things were still happening in my house in a positive fashion and things were getting done, I had gotten too comfortable in many areas – there were too many things in the ‘automatic’ column – where my namaste was doing things because it was necessary that they be done, or in response to a general expectation of excellence, but not necessarily as a direct response to my Dominance.


Let me be clear here and say that there is absolutely nothing wrong in my estimation with a slave that takes the initiative and is both willing and able to jump in and figure out what needs to be done and just ‘take care of business’ as it were. My namaste is excellent at doing this, and as a result quite a few tasks or activities were just 'taken care of', beautifully, automatically, and largely unremarked upon by Me. Im trained from birth like most people to identify "what's wrong with this picture?" pretty easily. Try identifying "what's RIGHT with this picture"...takes a different skillset. I believe that this skillset on the part of the Master can be cultivated and strengthened, once We recognize how important it is. And it can also be used to energize our Dominance by providing opportunities for obedience as I will talk about in a minute.

My namaste is a virtual wizard at domesticity and has mentored a number of slaves in the hows and why’s of domestic excellence. I’ve always said she was at least part faerie, not only because of the magic she performs in this regard, but also because of her near constant energy and enthusiasm and love for life. She literally sparkles with energy at times. So while my house is beautifully maintained, one would think that I would have nothing to complain about. And in truth I did not have anything to be concerned or to complain about, from the standpoint of her attention to detail or general excellence in completing a specific task. That said, I believe that our continued enjoyment of our lives as Master and slave require that we often look a little deeper than what appears on the surface.

What attracted my attention to this area was the fact that this wasn’t the first time she’s mentioned feeling like her batteries were low. That was a concern to me.

A solution.
As I thought more about it, the words she spoke resonated with me “I feel more energized when Im doing something that you want done, than I do if Im just doing something that needs doing, or something that I feel needs to be done.” Now let me state clearly that I do not wish to become a household micro-manager, giving everything the proverbial white glove treatment when I come home. Im also not into nitpicking and finding things to be displeased about. While I can be exacting in terms of what I want accomplished, I find the affectation of 'infinite, constant displeasure' as a Master disingenuous. So I dont do it. I want to be pleased in my exercise of control over my slave and I want to be served by someone that finds joy in service to Me. Additionally, in my business I travel often, and there are many things that need doing on a daily basis that need doing whether or not Im physically present to monitor the outcome.

I have directed her to compile a list of things that she does somewhat automatically in our home so that I can review these activities. What am I going to do with such a list? I am going to review each activity and Im going to figure out how to ‘reframe’ that specific action for my slave in terms that reflect my Dominance in her direction. For example, she routinely sweeps the entryway to our house. This is something that is done because she always does it. I’ve never felt the need to issue a particular directive concerning it because there hasn’t been a need – if I do not look at this as an opportunity to engage my slave. The entry way is generally clean so there’s really been nothing to attract my notice there to be honest. However, there is still an opportunity there because it is something that she routinely does and believes is important.

Reframing Expectations for results
There may be literally a hundred things that similarly need doing around the house that would fall under this umbrella. How can these activities be ‘reframed’? For example my way of reframing the cleaning of the entryway would be like this; “The gateway to our house is the first thing any in our family see upon returning home at the end of the day. Make sure the floor in this area is clean and free of debris, dust and dirt on a regular basis. If I was going to be even more specific, I would add; sweep this area at least 3 times a week and use the swiffer mop on it once weekly.
My plan is to go through the entire list so that each of the areas that previously had not been receiving any attention from me is reframed to cover a specific directive or expectation of her. We will sit down periodically for my general review and commentary on all of the items on the list. The purpose for this activity is that she needs to be aware that these things do not escape my notice and that when she gets down to work on them, she is now doing them for Me, not just performing the activity to get it done or merely because it needs doing. I am taking that activity and holding space for her – providing a safe container for that activity and therefore elevating it from the mundane to the special.

To revisit concerning holding space – this can also be an act of maintaining a ’safe container’ for someone else. I’ve read of it being a spiritual exercise in which a higher consciousness, a high vibrational field, is invoked and maintained. So what is that like for me? I see myself sitting down and when Im in the process of writing out a clear directive for her, Im envisioning her in my minds eye carrying out that task with as much clarity as I can and also with My positive good intentions as well. I see her smiling and radiant in my mind as she goes to perform whatever it is that I’ve directed.

Im also mindful – Im conscious of what it is that Im asking for and my intention in writing it down is clarity of focus – I also ’see’ her performing the task to perfection as well.

Can everyday activities like sweeping and mopping and dusting, or washing and hanging clothing be opportunities for enlightenment? I believe its possible. But lets say a Master wants to do this and remains skeptical, for those Masters that are not about ‘The Woo’ – even if one does not believe in the notion of higher consciousness or any sort of vibrating field, to those Masters I would offer this for consideration; At the root I believe that most Masters want those under their charge to do well, to achieve the best and highest in whatever activity they are commanded to do. If that is true, then I believe that what is also true is that the act of merely taking the time, being mindful and present when we outline our directives can go a long way toward affecting the slave receiving and internalizing that Word and leads to more positive outcomes for both Master and slave.

When I as Master am conscious of my commands and directives, when I deliberately envision and direct my intention toward my slave in this way, by putting pen and ink on paper and the act of creating a list of things to do – I is my belief that I invest some of my energy in each command, in each directive – this can be an exercise of higher consciousness.

My direction or command to wash or clean or put away or organize strikes a responsive chord in my slave. The responsive chord that is struck within the heart of the slave invests her response to that command with energy as well.

My creation of another opportunity for obedience contributes energy to our Master/slave relationship through my exercise of control over her and also gives her pleasure in service as well. Yes, these are all things that she needs to do anyway, for the well being of our House, but by holding space for her in this way I believe I put a plug in the bottom of her metaphysical energy bucket, so more of her personal energy stays present for my use and enjoyment. Without that application of intention on my part, these day to day activities can become rote, mundane, dull and boring and as a result begin to drain energy away instead of being an energizing force.

Giving Good Advice

Our world our landscape is changing. We are seeing things change rapidly, consistently, constantly.

Some may fear for our community, for our lifestyle.

That the principles that we hold dear and sacred will be watered down, diluted, become mainstream.

Some of these concerns are valid ones - We are not here to minimize them or to wish them away.

But rather we are here to help - to give a perspective on what each of us can do to make sure that what we have helped to build continues to grow and that the relationships we have and the communities and groups that we are a part of get stronger as we continue.

There is one area in which you, the Renaissance Master can make a difference regardless of what educational background you have, your political leanings or religious affiliations - You have an opportunity to make a difference nearly everyday, whether you realize it or not. Im encouraging you to commit to giving GOOD advice, either in person or on any of the online forums you frequent.

It is my observation that we arent generally taught how to give GOOD advice. And it is because we arent taught how to give advice that most of the opportunities that we see are missed. Good advice given and received well is priceless, but there are many ways in which good advice is given in a very poor manner and it ends up being not received despite the good intentions of the giver.

In online forums, offline discussions, lifestyle meetings, email groups, fetlife discussions and other places there are multiple examples of where good advice could have been given but the opportunity was missed.

The mistake that I've observed the most is failing to answer the question - for example; a person poses a particular question on an issue that is troubling them. Perhaps its something personal or something that happened or is happening in their relationship. Something that is either hurting them or causing some confusion in their lives.

Many responses are miles and miles away from answering the question.  Much of what passes for advice given today is similar to giving someone that is wounded three well placed shots to the head instead of the assistance or help they are looking for.

The three shots to the dome typically take the following form; what they did wrong, what they should do, and what you/would do or wouldnt do if you were them.

Why dont these work to help the person with the problem??? - lets take a look;

What they did wrong - they KNOW already what they might have done that was "wrong" - that's why you are having the conversation in the first place!!! In football, there's a reason why they call a penalty when a bunch of guys not involved in the tackle just run up and jump on top of the pile.  Its called PILING ON - and its not fun. Nobody likes to be kicked when they are down. They know that something is wrong already. Seriously.

What they should do. - this seems like the right thing to say, and honestly it can be at times. But TIMING is everything. If done too early it can seem unfair, hostile or blissfully ignorant of important facts relating to the situation. the reality is that You have to have permission to teach anyone anything. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink it. (unless the horse is a slave of course, then you can, but that's a different discussion)

The truth is that you cannot make someone take your advice. You have to earn the right to be heard, and that typically isnt through talking  - its through active listening.


Why do people vent?  Because venting feels good - you get things off your chest, you unburden yourself. Venting is part of the problem solving process for many people - sometimes you have to listen to your own voice in order to start forming solutions as to what you need to do next. As the listener you may have some observations or something that you want to say.  If the person venting does not say "so what do you think?"  You can ask - Do you want to know what I think? If they say yes - then proceed. If not, listen, commiserate...say "that sucks" or whatever and move on.

What you would do or wouldnt do if you were them - what you would have done if you were in their shoes. What you would never "take" if you were them. The list goes on and on and basically what the mythical YOU would have done or not done is as fictional and irrelevant as a flying monkey making pancakes. What you're basically saying to the person is; IM cooler than you, IM smarter than you, I would never make the same mistakes as you. YOU dont make good choices. YOU are pitiful. YOU should have done something different. This is not only rude, but also can be perceived as condescending as well.

So...what can the RM do differently that will allow the space to gain enough emotional capital with someone needing advice to actually make a difference in their lives? What about when the question is already on the table, like in an internet forum - they have already described the situation and asked or implied "what do you think?" What then?

The answer really isnt that complicated - If you really want to influence people, If you really want to make difference, if you truly want to change things; Instead of the Three shots to the Dome, we are going to give you the Three graces of good advice.

FIRST -  ANSWER THE QUESTION (if you know the answer).  If the person asked a question answer the question. This seems very simple and to the point.  If you dont know the answer - say you dont know!!! Its totally okay for the RM to not have all the answers. We arent here to know all the answers. We are here to maximize our enjoyment of this life from many different angles and vantage points.  If you dont know the answer, you are still helping somewhat by listenting - "I hear you....but I have no idea what the answer might be" is entirely appropriate as a  response.

 ASK QUESTIONS - Resist the temptation to PILE ON just because everyone else is doing it.  You can still ask questions - in fact, asking questions is the single most effective way of engaging a person because fundamentally it shows that you give a damn.  You care. People who care are perceived as someone that is worth listening to.  If you're online, as many of us are from time to time, dont worry about the "speed of the scroll"  or how many other people have commented - if you really care, your post will stand out, no matter how many other people "weigh in" on the subject at hand. Why? Because I'll guarantee you most of those posts will be of the Three Shots to the Dome variety= What they did wrong, What they should do, and What the writer would/would not have done if they were in a similar situation. So what.
Again; People who care are perceived as someone that is worth listening to.

if you want to avoid sounding patronizing or holier-than-thou, the most effective way to achieve this is to ask questions because:

• the questioning process helps a person consider alternate views of the issue they are struggling with that they might not have thought about previously.
  
• questions give an implied 'permission' to the person to find answers for themselves and puts their decisions and their outcomes under their control;
• questions keep you from guessing or putting forth an answer that might be wrong.
  

2.  SHARE YOUR STORY - All of us are an expert on one thing - and that is OUR STORY.
RM, YOU WERE THERE. YOU'VE LIVED IT. You can see it like it was yesterday. You got the scars to prove it.  You've lived with yourself for however long since you became enlightened that you are separate from everyone else on the planet. Your thoughts, your experiences, your ups and downs, your highs and your lows. These experiences are priceless and can be of benefit to another person seeking answers. THIS is different from talking about what you wouldnt do if you were them. This is talking precisely to what you DID do when you were in the same situation. This isnt a fantasy of what you would have done or not done - this is talking about your actual experience (if you have an actual experience to draw on) This is authenticity - this is being real and people who are real are perceived as someone worth listening to.  Note; sharing your personal story can also put you in a place of vulnerability as well. I dont advocate putting yourself out there in front of every muffin with a question or issue. Yes I believe that you, gentle RM have a lot of wisdom to offer, but again be careful who you share that with. Make sure that you're sure the person is ready to understand and gain knowledge from the life lessons you acquired during your stay in a third world prison camp, without getting hung up on the reason you were put in there in the first place.

3.  OFFER TO HELP
Ok RM - You've asked questions, you've shared your story - finally, do you have resources that you can offer that will help? Directions in which you can point the person beyond "go to hell"? Perhaps you know someone that is better qualified than you to comment on the subject raised and you can offer to put the person asking the question in touch with them. Perhaps you have articles or documents etc in your collection or url's where important information can be found that you can share. Offer to followup with them - encourage them to email you offlist. Establish a framework under which you can influence that person beyond the initial interaction if you are led to do so.

The point is RM - the best way we can make an impact on this M/s world is in the area of thought leadership People want to know what you know - but you have to be Real.

People who care are perceived as someone that is worth listening to.  
People who are real are perceived as someone worth listening to.  
People that give something of themselves without cost are perceived as someone worth listening to.

Give good advice RM.